I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
