that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
