Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
