jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
