My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
