since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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