I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's blow job season.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
