I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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