maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
