yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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