you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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