If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
