i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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