I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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