Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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