i don't like sucking hair
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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