Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
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