Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
