I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize