I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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