i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
