his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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