Someone shit on the floor
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
