Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
