I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
