The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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