My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
