My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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