I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
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