your thong is hanging out like whoa
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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