I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
