It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
