Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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