I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
