you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
