Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
please don't ironically join a cult
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