i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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