Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
