I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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