I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
