i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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