highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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