we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
