Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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