Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
