i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
