last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
