Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
