I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
