I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
