Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
