I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
