He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
